By Dr Andy Hogg SEND Subject Matter Expert for Shaping Lives
Over the past 30 years, I have worked with children and young people across mainstream schools, special schools, international schools and alternative provisions. During that time, one belief I have held has remained constant:
All behaviour is communication.
When a child displays what we often describe as “challenging behaviour”, they are usually trying to tell us something. They may not have the language, emotional regulation, confidence or self-awareness to express it appropriately, but their behaviour is often carrying an important message; “Something is wrong in my environment!”
Yet for many years, education focused on a different question:
“How do we stop this behaviour?”
The problem of the behaviour was always viewed as within the child
A more practical and better question is:
“What is this behaviour trying to tell us?”
This shift in thinking changes everything with regards to how we view the behaviour and the child..
When I was at school in the 1970s and 1980s, every school seemed to have a group of children who were known as the “naughty boys” or the “naughty girls.” We all remember them, they disrupted lessons, they got sent out of class, they were frequently punished, they were often spoken about as though they were the problem. At the time, that was simply how schools viewed behaviour. If a child misbehaved, the assumption was that they had chosen to do so. However, with the benefit of hindsight and more than three decades working in education, I often find myself wondering about those children, many of whom I still see today, some have really excelled in their professional and home lives, despite their problematic labels when we were at school. How many had dyslexia that had never been identified? How many were struggling with ADHD, autism, developmental language difficulties, working memory challenges or processing difficulties? How many spent every day sitting in classrooms where they felt unsuccessful, confused or overwhelmed? And how many were carrying challenges from home that nobody knew about? Some may have been living with poverty, family breakdown, domestic abuse, addiction, neglect, bereavement or trauma. Others may simply have lacked the emotional support and stability needed to thrive. Looking back, I suspect many of these children we labelled as difficult were not difficult at all, they were simply struggling. The tragedy is that many were punished for symptoms rather than supported for causes.
Of course, it would be unfair to judge previous generations of teachers by today’s standards. Thankfully our understanding of neurodiversity, trauma, attachment, emotional regulation and special educational needs has developed enormously over recent decades. However, those memories continue to shape how I view behaviour today.
Whenever I hear a child described as lazy, disruptive, defiant or attention-seeking, I find myself asking: “What if there is more to this story?” Because very often there is.
Behaviour Is Communication
Research consistently shows that challenging behaviour is often linked to unmet needs. Children may struggle because of communication difficulties, developmental differences, emotional regulation challenges, environmental stressors, anxiety, sensory processing differences or significant life changes. The behaviour itself which we see, is often the visible part of a much larger picture. I frequently encourage schools and families to think of behaviour as an iceberg. The behaviour we see is only the small part above the water.
Beneath the surface may be:
- Communication difficulties
- Dyslexia, dyscalculia or other specific learning differences
- ADHD or autism
- Anxiety
- Trauma
- Attachment difficulties
- Sensory processing needs
- Low self-esteem
- Physical discomfort
- Social difficulties
- Emotional dysregulation
- Unidentified SEND
- Safeguarding concerns
If we focus only on the behaviour itself, we risk missing the real issue entirely. I have worked with children repeatedly sanctioned for refusing to write. On the surface, it appeared to be non-compliance. Yet assessment revealed difficulties with handwriting, motor coordination, working memory and processing speed, the behaviour was not the problem. It was the symptom of the problem. Similarly, I have worked with autistic children who became distressed in busy classrooms. Their behaviour was often described as challenging, but in reality they were communicating sensory overload and emotional overwhelm alongside an inability to communicate verbally.
Behaviour is often a child’s way of saying:
“This is too hard.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m frightened.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I need help.”
The challenge for adults is learning to listen.
The Power of Choice
Whilst understanding behaviour is important, children must also learn that they have responsibility for the choices they make. Throughout my career, one of the most effective strategies I have used is incredibly simple:
I offer children a choice.
Not endless negotiation.
Not power struggles.
Simply two clear options:
- A positive choice.
- A poor choice.
Then I allow the child to decide.
Even when teaching non-verbal autistic pupils in specialist settings, I used this approach successfully through visual supports, symbols, signing and communication systems.
Rather than saying:
“Stop doing that.”
I might say:
“You can choose to sit with us and join the activity, or you can choose to sit quietly until you are ready. Which choice are you making?”
The responsibility remains with the child (although the language used may be simplified to aid their understanding), the adult remains calm and the power struggle disappears. Most importantly, the child begins to understand that their actions have consequences because of the choices they make, not because an adult is controlling them. I firmly believe that empowering children to make decisions is one of the most important life skills we can teach.
Why Ownership Matters
One of the greatest gifts we can give children is helping them understand that they have influence over their own lives. Children who learn to take ownership of their behaviour often develop:
- Better self-regulation
- Greater emotional resilience
- Increased self-awareness
- Stronger decision-making skills
- Improved relationships
- Greater confidence
The goal should never be blind compliance, instead it should be understanding.A child who behaves appropriately because they fear punishment has learned something very different from a child who behaves appropriately because they understand why it is the right choice.
Understanding Before Reacting
Whenever challenging behaviour occurs, I encourage parents or staff to ask three simple questions:
- What happened before the behaviour?
- What exactly did the child do?
- What happened afterwards?
As behaviour specialists we often refer to this as the ABC model:
Antecedent – Behaviour – Consequence
This approach helps identify patterns, triggers and underlying needs rather than focusing solely on the behaviour itself. When we understand the cause, our interventions become more effective. When we understand the child, the behaviour often begins to make sense.
Children are not giving us a hard time. More often than not, they are having a hard time. As educators and parents, our role is not simply to stop behaviour. Our role is to teach children how to make choices, regulate emotions, solve problems, communicate needs and take responsibility for their actions. Whether I was teaching a Reception child, a Year 11 pupil or a non-verbal autistic learner in a specialist classroom, the principle remained the same:
Understand the need.
Listen to the communication.
Provide support.
Give children choices.
Help them take ownership of those choices.
When we do that consistently, we do far more than improve behaviour.We develop resilient, responsible young people who are better prepared for life both inside and beyond the classroom.
